Salty cracker barrels through campaign. Gerrymandered district meanders;
geriatric man engenders flag waving corn. Grows quickly
in this red neck of the woods. No collard greens on this plate.
Ham sliced, served, with relish; city’s innards left trailing on ground.
Come to the Party with a gift. Donkey’s tale a sad one, pinned down with favors.
At the head of the table for four more years; cake and ice cream for guest list only.
Candidate’s candid date poses for photos, questions; chance at victory blown?
Candidate ponders speech: Confession, concession or con session?
Prepared words bracketed by stainless steel wife screwed into place.
TV dinner offers equally balanced portions of politicians’ pre-seasoned phrases.
Canned questions retard spoilage. Heavily marbled prime time
chokes off arteries of information. What’s at stake smothered.
Feisty underdog barks loudly to warn of danger. Told to sit, roll over, he runs around,
nips at heels. Whacked by newspapers, he runs back to House, broken.
All-purpose woman offers comfort food to hungry voters. Apple pie, not strudel.
Beauty doesn’t disarm, leaves rifles locked and loaded, held stiffly in front
to ward off heathen tribes. Homespun dress and folk tales handed down for generations.
Starched words for a bleached audience.
--Anne Rettenberg
Trim things
Bill Clinton
Cheese pizza delivered; a soothing mouthful.
Oval office curves dangerously; he
Tripps, almost tumbles; rug pulled from
under stained presidency. Blue states tainted by blue dress.
Eight years’ work kneel-y undone.
Colin Farrell
He burrows fur; brows furrow--
an actor’s antics, no pants, fans flames. Burns britches?
Fans pant, ignore pans and rants.
Flap closed; he roles forward. Cannes do.
Larry Craig
Senator toes over the line; tap dances to
cop’s snare drum. Career arrested; gay-ly he
waves goodbye.
Mark Foley
Foley foiled; holy rollers roiled
from turgid tape talk.
House Whips cream Congressman;
just desserts served.
R. Kelly
Rap star raps; young girls lap it up.
Barely legally, he squeezes into
crack in system; comes out
other end. Off to hoe a new crop.
Elliot Spitzer
Hero trades high horse for young filly.
Costly mount swallows pride,
spits her story to feds.
Chink in armor exposed, Dems
discard red-faced White Knight.
--Anne Rettenberg
Whose Portrait
Who was wise once in his when
but had unwisened some since then
so thunk he hard and thunk he long
to think which thinks he’d thunken wrong
to dusk from dawn did fret Who straight
to dawn from dusk, he worried late
to find the wherefore for his fate
for which of late Who harboured hate
yeah thunk he long and thunk he hard
to think which thinks against to guard
but could not think which thinks were sin
so thunk Who not to think again
which worked to wisen he the more
Who thought not what Whose thinks are for
--Eponymous Anonymous
luvpome
i love you are beautiful,
hair pu-ll-ed
kcab & forth-
right away too long
since I met your eye…lashes
my back into the bed-
room for you
(open)your(eyes) l-oo-k
at my body is:
,relaxed,
on the bed-
time is meaningless words cannot say
that you love me so
, let’s go further
down the road to Our home
where you touch me with your
finger you
lay across me
with your hair on my
face to face
with the woman I
love to [embrace] you,
my arms (around) your waist
time is running through the sun
setting
you
d
o
w
n
y
o
u
r
s
p
i
n
e
(with my tongue)
inside you look at me, and
say what I want you so bad
day or night in your room or mine
for-
every day-
light as a feather on your
bare
skin, so sof(t)ly (wh)ispering in my
ears tingle as you (...brea…the…) heavy
metallic sh!nes so br!ight stArs
overhead-on
my pillow-case
(closed your EyEs) and dream
away to (under)stand 2gether in the open air-
wave good-
buy you flowers
growing old time
for bed is
made love you
--Eponymous Anonymous
DEFINING ENGLISH WORDS
[Excerpts]
abalone – n., a severed abdominal muscle
Gertrude noticed an abalone on the kitchen floor, and called the dog to come eat it.
amuse – n., an uninspiring person
Hal found that Anja was the perfect amuse to keep him from getting overstimulated.
arsenic – n., a minor wound on one’s posterior
Because of her arsenic, Fanny couldn’t sit for several weeks.
carnivore – n., one who eats people that work at traveling fairs.
Ferris Wheel Jack wasn’t just your average cannibal; he was a strict carnivore.
decompose – v., to analyse music
Blaise Berger spent his whole life trying to decompose Beethoven’s 7th symphony.
define – v., to lower the quality of something
Just buying something defines it.
deism – n., a strong belief in the fourth letter of the alphabet.
Dee refused to support the restrictive ABCF grading system, because of her deism.
demonstrate – n., the layer of earth composed of evil spirits
Rev. Clay opposed deep drilling because he feared discovering the demonstrate.
fingerling – n., the pinky finger.
My grandfather lost his fingerling to a Hungarian waif.
hippocampus – n., a university for hippopotami
Finals week is a dangerous time to hang around a hippocampus.
lassitude – n., the state of being a young girl
Chuck remembered his lassitude fondly, but never regretted his surgery.
minimum – n., a small mother
Pyotr looked down lovingly at his minimum.
mosquito – n., a small mosque
Joeville was backwoods, but it did have a mosquito.
mushroom – n., a room where soft foods are kept
Could you bring me some pea soup and applesauce from the mushroom?
nostrum – adj./n., method of guitar playing using only finger picking
Paul decided to play this song completely nostrum.
offer – n., a hit man; assassin
The Assassin Training Academy officer said, “I’ll make you an offer.”
precursor – n., word used prior to another, more offensive word
Common precursors include “holy”, “mother”, and “oh”.
ramshackle – n., a manacle for male sheep
The militant vegetarians broke the ramshackles and set the sheep free.
rapier – adj., more like nonconsensual sex
It wasn’t prosecutable, but it was rapier than I would have liked.
reboot – v., to kick again
Jedidiah rebooted his computer.
rebus – v., to send someone back home via public transportation
Jerry had to rebus his drunken aunt.
shampoo – n., fake feces
Adele breathed a sigh of relief; it was only shampoo.
supercilious – adj., exceedingly absurd
Barret was growing tired of the supercilious definitions.
super-duper – n., one who excels at fooling people
A successful politician must be a super-duper.
unison – n., a male with no brothers
Lonely Lou wished he hadn’t been born a unison.
wallet – n., a miniature barrier
A wallet separated the two rooms in the smurf’s dwelling.
wombat – n., a winged mammal that lives inside of women
If you sleep with a loose woman, a wombat will bite your genitals off.
wooden – n., room used for courtship rituals
Alonso took Sade back to his wooden.
zebra – n., garment worn under zeblouse
Why must she wear zebra at all?
--Eponymous Anonymous
About the poets in this issue:
Anne Rettenberg is Editor of Eat a Peach. She lives in New York City.
“Eponymous Anonymous” lives in Fort Worth, Texas with his partner, "Dame Wiggins of Lee" and seven cats plus a dog. He works as a choir director and singer, and in his spare time writes poetry and draws pictures. You can see his artwork and poetry at EAnonymous.net.